It's Hard.

Hard to write.

Hard to face the turmoil of quitting this addiction.  It’s not like I can quit cold turkey like I did with smokes.  I would do that 100 times over if I didn’t have to do this.

It was a hard week.
I’m actually not referring to this past week – which obviously has torn the world’s people apart.  But the week before, when John and I had our 2^nd round of appointments.

I had wanted to write in order.  The order in which our appointments went but after that week (my appointment was the 4^th), I couldn’t find the words.  The 4^th was a very hard day for me.  ( Just entered my mind that the 4^th is always a hard day for a dear friend of mine.  <3 )

This second series of appointments was going to be a long day.  Starting at 8:30 AM with Physical Therapy to determine a physically safe level for me to exercise at without having too low of oxygen or too fast of a heart rate.  To learn stretches.  To learn Strength Training.  All of these things were in small amounts compared to some – but they are very good starting points.  I really enjoyed my PT, she was very nice. 

Next appointment was on the other side of the hospital so a little extra walking… off to meet with the Bariatrician to review my bloodwork, EKG, and results of my Endoscopy.  That was when things got hard. 

Apparently my Triglycerides have skyrocketed to 644.  Six Hundred. And Forty-Four.  Yikes.  I was pissed at myself.  And it apparently came through in the things I was saying and the Doc told me to back up a second because acting negative toward myself wasn’t going to help.  She has had a patient who was in the 1400’s… and cut it in half in two weeks.  She requested I take the Fish Oil Supplements… and increase my cholesterol med.  And, that it wouldn’t be safe for me to have surgery until it was under 400. 

Oh.

So that’s how it is.

Holy crap.

I can’t believe I let things get this bad.  Yeah, pizza is freaking delicious… and man, I love those wings from Pizza Hut… but holy crap.  

I have to get this under control because I seriously could die.  I could die just walking to the car because I’m that unhealthy now.

Maybe it’s not quite that bad – but it’s definitely not good.  And it’s definitely scary to be told you’re too unhealthy to safely undergo surgery.

But, suck it up Youker.. you’ve got 3 more appointments today.

Off I went to the Dietician.  I cried for 5 minutes and then got it together so I could actually learn in the appointment.  And I did.  She is very nice.  Very knowledgeable.  We worked together to create three goals to meet for our next appointment – which is Jan. 8^th. 

• Clean the table.  This is to provide a place for meals not in front of the TV or computer.  That it is important to not be distracted while eating.  Pay attention to the food you’re putting into your mouth.
• Make a grocery list that includes fruits and vegetables.  Prepare the food (chop/clean/etc) when getting back from the store instead of letting it spoil because it’s not ready for you to eat.
• Read Nutrition Labels.  Whole Grain Bread often is “Made with Whole Grain” which is nothing like Whole Grain.  If there are lots of little nutty weird things in your bread, it’s usually there to make it seem more organic or “Whole” – but these are just tricks.

I still haven’t cleared off the table.  But will do so tonight.  Did you hear that self?  You WILL do this tonight.

The next in my series was to take the MMPI test.  567 True/False Questions.  That was fun.  Really.  I guess I’m thankful I got to take it on the computer instead of having to fill in 567 little bubbles with a number 2 pencil.

There was a bit of time for a little lunch break where obviously, how could I REALLY eat at this point?  I was going to die from my Triglycerides.

And then I met with my Psychologist to go over the results of the MMPI.  

I cried for the first 5 minutes or so of that appointment too.  About the same thing.  Geesh. But then I pulled it together and we discussed the test which produced nothing surprising for me.  I have depression, I have self-esteem /confidence issues.  I am concerned about my health.   I have a follow-up with her on the 8^th too.

Finally, I was done with this day of appointments.  But I didn’t get to leave yet.  John had an appointment that started before we could guarantee I would be out and get him there on time.  So.. I had to wait for him to be done.  I spent a good hour just waiting for him and trying to not cry.

So… by the time I got in the car, I was a total mess.  I didn’t realize how much I just needed John.  I needed him to talk to, to hold me, to get it OUT how scary it was and how mad I was.  Once we got home, I let it out and it was all good.

I’m glad this portion of my appointments is over.  But I’m starting to realize just how hard this is really going to be.  I’m going through withdrawals for food so badly.  Last night, I was crocheting to keep myself away from the kitchen and seriously, it was like a mantra in my mind “I just want to F!ing eat!  I just want to F!ing eat!” as I stitched. 

Yeah.  This is going to be hard.  But it will be worth it.

And thanks for being here – the support we’ve been getting is amazing.  And while it will still be hard, it makes it a little easier.