After too long an absence, I return.
I had my second round of appointments for pre-surgery; damn man. On the health side I appear to be as good as I can be at this point. What really rocked things was my psych evaluation. After taking the same marathon test that Tia had taken (see her last post), it came back that I have symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder for those of you not hip to medical jargon). Now, sense I have not been in combat, law enforcement, or emergency services; this was a wee bit off putting. It's like when I had a melanoma removed in '11: I had cancer? I didn't go through kemo or radiation or have anything you normally associate with treating cancer, and yet I had it. Had a "close to cancer" mole removed this past year. The whole thing was and is surreal.
I long thought that the various bulling and related horse shit I had thrown at me by my peers wasn't anything different then what every other person had been through. That it was a "right of passage" and I needed to suck it up and deal with it. If that was true, I'd have gotten over it in college, or even after changing high schools. As it turned out, I've had every decision I've made over the last 20 yrs be effected by it. I still have so much anger; like Incredible Hulk level anger. My depression, lack of self worth, and yes self hatred were all mixed and amplified.
Tomorrow I go to the Melrose Center to get evaluated for binge eating. Again, not something I ever thought I had. As much as I have and still over eat, I never felt it at the level of a binge eater; I had been informed that they can eat 1,000's of calories in one sitting. It's really just a matter of not being able to stop. And there are for sure times I can't.
This just goes to show there's more to bariatric surgery then simply making your stomach smaller. If you don't fix the root of your problems, you'll be right back where you started and I don't want that. Ever.
Thank you (((((John))))) for sharing this personal journey with us -virtual strangers. I, too, have PTSD and have never been in the military. I wonder if the majority of people think only our enlisted men and women suffer from its symptoms.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that bariatric surgery is an all inclusive, holistic treatment. I look forward to being here throughout yours, and Tia's, process.
Love you sweetie! This is going to show u how amazing u and your life with Tia is!
ReplyDeleteEveryone who reaches a morbidly obese range is broken. We all have something that we use food and inactivity to hide from. It's our insulator, our confidante, our protector, our source of comfort and joy and love. At some point we have all thought that we were alone in our struggles and turned to food as a friend. You are already paces ahead of others by knowing before you have surgery that having surgery is not the answer but one tool in an arsenal that you have to build. You need to re-learn how to insulate and protect yourself without using tools like donuts or cake or warm brownies or ramen noodles or mashed potatoes or whatever else your go to food was the entire time you were growing up and learning how to cope in a world that didn't always understand you.
ReplyDeleteIt's all good though. You got this. The initial hearing of the things is the hardest part. You accept it and you pick up your underoos and go about being Superman.
Two things:
ReplyDelete1) The idea that bullying is just something we all have to go through was definitely around when we were growing up. It's changing, and I think we can and should all help make that change possible. If our society is judged by how we treat its most vulnerable members, I'd like to get a passing grade.
2) I don't believe bad things happen for a reason. I believe that bad things happen, and you make the best of them or you don't. I guess it's partly to your credit that you haven't been taking your anger out on other people. Now, how are you going to make sure that you can stop taking it out on yourself? I don't know, but I think you'll find your way. But it's going to be hard every day. We'll help you both.
Hope this made sense. :)
I just want to acknowledge how brave you and Tia are to put this all out there so honestly. It can't be easy. I admire you both so much for that.
ReplyDeleteHey, also, do you find books helpful? If so, I'd like to suggest Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.
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