Temptations, Negative Support, Awkward Moments, Excitement

Temptations

Not just a soulful group with smooth voices and lyrics.

John and I gave in to temptation last night.  We had a fairly healthy supper planned.  And we ate that.  Then we argued.  Then we ordered Pizza Hut.  Not only was this unhealthy for our diets/life changes that we are trying to make – it was also unhealthy for our budget.  I’d have to say that while I enjoyed eating my bread sticks and boneless wings… afterward I felt bad.  I felt like I gave in to my mistress.  And that’s just not a cool feeling.

So that’s it, ladies and gents.  I’m admitting my sins here for you all to read in hopes that I don’t really SHAME myself but that I talk about the fact that I gave in and really look into myself to figure out why.

I was upset from our little argument – sure.  But really, it WAS LITTLE.  I don’t even remember what it was about and it should probably stay that way as it must not have mattered in the great scheme of things if I can’t remember off the top of my head today.

I was tired.  That’s almost every day, so no good excuse there.

Truthfully I wanted ice cream.  We didn’t have any at home and both of us were too lazy to go get some, so we had Pizza Hut delivered instead.  Pretty stupid.  Living with some good regrets today because we spent at least 4 times as much money, and I didn’t satisfy the true craving I was having. 

Last night, we were really stupid. 

Hopefully this lesson will stick with us going forward.  We do not need to eat out unless we’ve planned it in advance.  And we DO need to follow the meal plans we make.

I’m glad we have appointments this week with our dietitians and therapists… will be another good boost.

All that aside, there have been a lot of things wandering through my mind.  There were enough things that I wasn’t able to sit down and write for a while.  Some of them, I just can’t talk about on here as they aren’t my story to tell.  Others, well, here we go.

Is Negative Support, actual support?  I think not.  And I’ve come to find out that it actually pisses me off.  Post surgery there are a lot of things I’m not going to be able to eat, at least not for a while, and possibly not ever.  So leading up to this, I might enjoy a few things that I shouldn’t really be eating.  No one needs to tell me that.  I.  AM.  AWARE. 

We all go through our own journeys.  We all have setbacks.  We all take steps forward.  

Sometimes running, sometimes while looking behind us. 

I’m trying to keep my journey a positive one and instead of focusing on the cake I ate – I’m going to focus on the excellent breakfast and lunch structure I’ve developed.  I’m going to focus on my positives. The small changes I have been making that will, somehow, make a big difference.

Our next goals, for both of us, have to be about supper.  Breakfast and lunch I think we both do pretty well.  We’ve found a pattern.  Mine is a little easier for lunch because I’m not at home.  So I have to plan. 

Maybe that’s an idea.  Plan each meal and pack it, like I have to take it somewhere.  And for supper, we’ll make that somewhere our dinner table.

Awkward Moments

I debated whether to share this tidbit, as it involves someone I love very much.  However, it really gave me conflicting feelings and I’d just like to get it out.

The last weekend in January I went up to Walker for a concert and weekend with some of our extended family on my Dad’s side.  On the way back, Mom and I brought Grandma home and she said “When you were talking about losing weight in car, I couldn’t help but think of how your Grandpa said one time (he died almost 3 years ago now) ‘Boy, Tia sure would be pretty if she lost some weight.’”

I could tell she saw the look on my face and it wasn’t what she expected.

I know she didn’t say this to offend me, it was meant to be a compliment. 

There is a ‘slang’ term – an objectifying term, really – of “Butter face”.  And if you’re not in the know, go to Urban Dictionary Urban Dictionary and learn.  Yeah.  It’s kind of funny, mostly horrible. 

I guess the plus side of this comment was that I knew I would never be a Butterface? 

Thankfully my Momma had some good insight, which lessened the hurt a little bit.  I get so much of my look from my Grandma’s side.  And she thinks that Grandpa was thinking that way.  That if I was skinnier, I’d look a lot like that skinny lil’ nurse he fell in love with. 

That is a pretty good compliment.

And don’t get me wrong, I love my Grandma, always will even if/when she says things that are hurtful.  But I think this kind of rolled into my “Negative Support isn’t really Supportive” thoughts above.  I’ve heard of a lot of negative support throughout my life.

Overly positive support isn’t always great either.  “You’re fluffy, not fat.”  No, seriously.  I’m flipping fat. 

I guess it’s not easy to find that right level of support.  Just be kind, world.  Kind and honest.  They may not always get along – but it’s not always your place to be the voice of truth in someone else’s life.

And I’m getting excited.

I can’t wait for surgery.  It’s still so far away that the dates are completely unknown.  I can’t wait to change our lives and go dancing and do  C A R T W H E E L S.